My sould did rest

Because Enos had such great faith, he truly believed God would do what He said He would do.

"Wherefore, my soul did rest", he said (1:17).

I've felt that way before.

I have experienced that restful feeling where I've felt satisfied and comforted by an answer I received. For example, any time I go to the scriptures, whatever I am reading makes me rest--I don't doubt that what I read isn't true, and so I take it as directly coming from God. I have this complete trust. And my soul rests, like Enos's soul.

Near the end of the chapter Enos also has this restful feeling in his soul knowing for a surety his standing with God. He says, about dying and meeting his Master, "...then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father" (1:27).

Oh to have that rest in my soul. I need to know my standing with Him...I need to live more righteous.

In His own due time

I've often wondered what "His due time" meant, for me.

And it's often been associated with, "I need this, BUT I will taken whatever I get according to thy will", or "I want this to happen now, BUT I will do it according to thy will" (with a not-so-willing-to-wait-attitude). Sometimes that has rocked my faith a little, because, if it does not happen, and I am praying for it to happen, I often lose faith that it WILL someday happen.

And of course, I am speaking primarily about finding someone to marry.

Well today as I read in Enos, it just struck me how diligent Enos was. He hungers and searches for peace--all the day and night (1:4), he prays more earnestly and his faith is UNSHAKEN in the Lord (1:11). And because of his great faith, God promises that He WILL grant his wishes and desires, but that it would be in "His own due time".

So even back then, people had to wait.

Just like me.

My quest

I've been missing something lately. And I feel it so strong.

A while ago, I was meeting with a good friend, teacher, and therapist. She said, concerning 'motherly love' that sometimes people long for this and wish for it and want it in their lives, "God is the only other person that can actually give this type of love".

I've been feeling this empty hole in my life lately. It seems like ever since I went through surgery and lost the strength of both knees, I haven't prayed, and therefore, haven't studied the scriptures. The first thing I read today was in Enos. The phrase, "And my soul hungered", (v. 4) caught my attention. It's exactly what I feel. It's not a physical hunger, but a deep hunger of the soul. A hunger that can only be cured by GOD. And I know that.

And so, this is my quest...for November and December of this month..and to record my experiences in this blog daily. To work on this hunger...and to have this hunger filled by God...for He is the only one that can give me that motherly type of love that is so filling and so good.

Unshaken

"And after I, Enos, had heard these words, my faith began to be unshaken in the Lord; and I prayed unto him with many long strugglings..." (Enos 1:11)

"And it came to pass that AFTER I had prayed and labored with ALL DILIGENCE, the Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to my desires, because of thy faith". (v. 12)

I've been thinking a lot about faith. One, because I'm 33 and still single. And I know I need to have more faith in Him...trusting in His timeline...believing in His promises to me. It's just hard.

Always.

But after reading this and pondering it for a bit...I realize, it's time to seriously dig into prayer. To find out what helps me communicate with Him better. And to pray with ALL DILIGENCE. That's what I need to do.

Thank you, Ether.

And not mine

Jacob 7:14

"...And thy will, O Lord, be done, and not mine".

I've been thinking a LOT about my will vs. God's will. It's a tough road, at times, being single...feeling like I've been forgotten, and feeling like there is no one out there for me, ever. I at times want to RUSH things into happening...I want to find someone NOW and I want my future NOW.

I need to really remember that God's will is the most important thing in this little equation of mine, and I need to trust that if His will is "NOT YET", then that is right for me, and should be my will.

Will I give more

Now that I've graduated from grad school, the thesis is finished, bound, out of my life...I can't help but see where I am spiritually. It's been a rough path for the past three years. Spiritually, I think I feel a little lost.

And it's nothing but the busy-ness that took me away from the word of God.

And it's time to get back.

I read a phrase today that I so want to work in my life.

2 Nephi 28:30: "Blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear to my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more".

I want more. I went to church today and I really tried to focus on what was being said. I read this afternoon and really tried to feel like I used to when I read...and it worked...having not reason to focus on my thesis anymore, I think this is why it worked for me today.

I want more. I want to feel once again connected to my God, and feel Him directing my life and rely upon Him.

Judging and reproving

So I recently got back on a singles website that I haven't been on for quite some time. I updated my pictures. I've been chatting with a few guys, some that are nice and respond and ask questions, some that are complete jerks. This last one yesterday topped the cake, and has almost made me give up completely on these sites...

A guy so centered on his looks, that all he cared about was knowing if I really looked like my pictures, or if I was fat. Honestly, it almost killed me with the emails he was sending back and forth yesterday.

So it got me to thinking...what qualities am I looking for in a guy?

As I started my study today, this was heavy on my thoughts. Here is one of the first verses I read... 2 Nephi 21:3 "And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord, and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears".

WOW. That's it. I need someone who doesn't judge wrongly by what they see, or reprove by what they know or find out about me. And I hope to have those qualities myself.

Do I,...and am I...and can I?

I was talking to my sister the other day about the sparsity of my scripture reading...and my 'spiritual musing' lack-ness since....well, honestly...3 years ago. I guess that dates me to just starting my master's program at BYU.

Things just got in the way.

I was reading in 2 Nephi 5 tonight, and I came across 2 verses that made me reflect on my conversation with my sister...and it made me make some commitments. Nephi is talking about how the Lord commanded him to make the plates, and that he was to "engraven many things upon them which are good in my sight, for the profit of thy people".

Nephi's response...

"Wherefore, I, Nephi, to be obedient to the commandments of the Lord, went and made these plates..." (2 Nephi 5: 30-31) Wow. Nephi was an amazing person. He WENT and DID...right when the Lord commanded him. He was so in tune, and right there...

So then, I started to think, Do I....listen to God when He speaks to me? And am I...in tune enough to hear Him? And can I...change some things in my life right now so that I might more allow God to speak to me, to command me, and to bless me?

I have lots of changes to be made. I think I'll start tonight with a better, more sincere prayer to Him.

The Words of the Gospel

For some reason today I was thinking about a long time ago-sometime after returning from my mission to Taiwan, that I had listened to a talk by Elder Richard G. Scott. I don't remember what talk it was, nor where I found it, but I do remember one specific thing he said.

He promised that for those who had learned a language in their mission, that if they would read from the Book of Mormon every day in that language, they would never ever forget it. It seems like I've forgotten that promise...and I needed the reminder today.

Instead of reading in Chinese today, I listened to a conference talk. I was amazed at how fast the language sounded for me, and I couldn't keep up. I was brought back to the memories of trying to translate word for word my MTC teachers' prayers, and getting lost and left behind, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders to learn the language.

But today, even though it was rapid for me and I couldn't catch my breath between the words, a few simple phrases stuck out to me and I was reminded how much I love the gospel language in chinese. It penetrated my heart and strengthened my testimony to hear the words "The Spirit will guide you", and "Blessings of the gospel".

I'm blessed...and I need to remember just how great the "Words of the Gospel" are to me...in any language.

Whither shall I go?

I just finished reading about how Nephi breaks his bow, how his brothers and father murmur against him, and how Nephi, despite their murmurings, goes and asks his father,

"Whither shall I go to obtain food?"

I feel like this is a huge lesson on taking the initiative for me. I feel like my whole life I have been taught to do things on my own-to take responsibility. I'm grateful for those lessons, because now that I live on my own, I feel completely independent.

So after reading about Nephi's experience, I understood why he acted the way he did...he wasn't raised in a way that if he didn't get what he wanted, or if things didn't work out like he wanted, that he threw a tantrum and pouted about it...he was taught to DO.

I've been taught that, too. Thanks, Mom & Dad!

Arise & Strengthen

Today I finished reading the Book of Mormon again.

My favorite scripture ending my study was Moroni 10:31-32. It totally spoke to me.

10:31 "And awake, and arise from the dust, O (Karen); yea, and put on thy beautiful garments, O daughter of Zion; and strengthen thy stakes and enlarge thy borders forever, that thou mayest no more be confounded, that the covenants of the Eternal Father which he hath made unto thee, O house of Israel, may be fulfilled".

10:32 "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind, and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if ye be perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God".

It's time for me to kick-it-in-gear.

It's time for me to really 'rise up & strengthen my stakes forever' so that I can receive the blessings and covenants that He has promised me...that I can find someone and start a family--raise the children that are just waiting for me.

It's time.

I'm so thankful to once again have read the Book of Mormon. I think this is around my 20th time or so, and I learn so much more every single time....

Here's to 2009!