How is it possible?

1 Nephi 3

I remember one time I was talking with my friend Lili, when she said something that, to this day, has never left me. She said, "You are not believing He can do what He says He can."

That phrase sunk into my heart, and whenever I feel like I've lost touch with Him, I ponder this. Today it came to my mind once again as I was reading about Laman and Lemuel and how they doubted God. They said, "How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?" (vs. 31)

How many times do I say, "How is it possible?"
How often do I doubt the power of God and what He can make happen in my life?
I've struggled with this for quite some time, and I really want to try hard to believe.

To believe lots of things...
Tithing. Marriage for me. Children. Goals. Confidence in myself. Trust in Him. My testimony.

I love the reference I had written next to vs. 31..
Heb 10:31-32, 35-36

"It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions...Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise."

And then this reference from Elder Holland:

"Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

(Jeffrey R. Holland, "“Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence”", Ensign, Mar. 2000, 7)

Murmuring

1 Nephi 3

I barely got through 5 verses today before something really made me think...

"And now, behold thy brothers murmur, saying it (going back to Jerusalem to get the plates from Laban) is a hard thing which I have required of them; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord".

The word 'murmur' stuck out to me, like it never has before.
I've been worried about doing this lately.
I've murmured more than I ever have, I think.
It's been good to ponder this topic this morning...I need to change, badly.

I looked up several references, including a definition on what it means to murmur:
MURMUR: a muttered complaint; a low indistinct often continuous sound.

A lot of times, not wanting to 'appear' as a murmurer... I murmur under my breath...I feel the frustrations, but want to 'save face', in a way. I need to really work on realizing that things happen for a reason. I need to learn to accept those teaching moments and learn to be calm and have an understanding heart.

I love this reference I came upon while studying the topic of murmuring...
Neal A. Maxwell, "“Murmur Not”", Ensign, Nov. 1989, 82

"God accomplishes things, brothers and sisters, 'in process of time.' This calls for our patience. Moreover, doing things in process of time is often His way of either preserving our agency or of providing us with needed opportunity. In fact, certain experiences, over which we might understandably murmur, can actually be for our good. (See D&C 105:10; D&C 122:7; Gen. 30:27.) Thus you and I may think God is merely marking time, when He is actually marking openings for us, openings which are sorely needed. Even then, we are so slow to use those openings in order to escape from the familiar cell of selfishness."

My patriarchal blessing says, "I bless you with the gift of understanding, for it lies within your power to cope with circumstances that confront you day by day."

Definitely need to live up to that blessing.
Calm down a little.
Realize God's hand in my life.

Renshi

1 Nephi 2

Sometimes I find myself in a rut spiritually--I feel down or discouraged, alone and ignored by God. I think I always come full circle though and realize that He hasn't left me. I've pulled away from Him.

He's always there, always.

This scripture stood out to me
1 Ne 2:12 "...And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them".

So I've been thinking this morning why I "know not the dealings of God". What causes me to forget? Why do I feel this way? I want to know Him again. I love reading the scriptures. It helps me to have that 'full circle' experience and reminds me of what I'm missing by neglecting the word.

I want to know God again.
In chinese, the word KNOW has two words, both with a slight difference in meaning.

Zhidao: To know of.
Renshi: To know, personally.

SO, I can zhidao someone...meaning...I know OF them, but not personally. Like I know some people's names at work, but I don't really ever talk with them, or I don't know them intimately in any way. I just know who they are.

OR, I can renshi someone...meaning...I personally know them. They are one of my good friends. We are close.

I want, desperately, to RENSHI my God.

Finding me

1 Nephi 1

I've had this longing for a little while. I really and truly want to be connected to Him again. A while ago, just after I had finished my thesis, I was really struggling (sort of like how I feel now) about getting back to the old 'me'.

I used to be so in tune with God and with my life.

When I was going through the graduate program--I realized that it took over my whole life. I became someone completely different, and I've never gone back to that same person. It saddened me. Still does. However, this comment from a friend on my blog post helped me to take heart, and being reminded of it again this morning and inspired to look it up brought comfort to my heart and relates to scriptures that touched me today. She said,

"I spent about a year of my life trying to 'get back to the old me' and then discovered that she wasn't the person I wanted to be either. I really think we evolve and in many ways we can never really go 'back'. We have what we were in the past, what we've learned in the present and the opportunity to live life today a little more in tune with who we really WANT to be in the future".

I still am that person that I used to be.
I'm older.
I'm wiser.
I've had so many more experiences...experiences I can testify have changed me, and I think for the good.

When I read in 1 Nephi that Lehi prayed with all his heart, (1:5) this particular scripture cross reference I read I felt related to me and encourages me to press forward and come to know God, truly know Him through prayer and scripture study...

Jer 29: 13 "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart ".

I want to find Him.
Just need to sincerely put my heart in it.
And when I find Him, I am sure I will find me.

Abiding by its precepts

I keep thinking about something that I heard in Stake Conference last weekend.
"Teach them what you know, but more importantly, teach them HOW you know".

Been thinking a lot about how this applies to my life. Really and truly, it applies in every area right now to me.

My calling.
My job.
My testimony.
My family & friends.

Just...
everything.

I recently started reading the Book of Mormon again, and it seems that each time I start anew, I am reminded of the testimony that I have gained from reading its pages.

How do I know of its truthfulness?
Because I've read it. Lots.
Because I've prayed about it. Lots.
Because I've pondered it. Lots.

I love this phrase that I read today in the introduction.

"A man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts".

I've been soul searching for a bit now. Struggling, a lot. I'm grateful that I know this...that I know that when I read, I will get nearer to God. And I know this because every time I recommit myself to read, I have sweet tender experiences like the one I just had tonight.

The Gospel is true.
This book....is amazing.

Sweet Hinckley thoughts.

I love President Hinckley. I love and miss everything about him. I never fully appreciated his mannerisms until he became prophet of the church. As a child I always thought of him to be serious and stern. I didn't like listening to him talk.

I don't know why I felt that way.

Today I long for his sweet messages. His cute manner, his jokes. I long to listen to his testimony and glean from his strength at the pulpit. That's why whenever I read something from him, or hear a talk he gave-hear his little voice...I am taken back to when he was here on this earth. I miss him. 

Oh how I love this quote by him. It is written on the front cover of my Book of Mormon-the one that I received for Christmas the winter after I returned home from my mission. I'm starting the Book of Mormon again from this certain book for the 8th time. I'm not sure how many times that makes it for me reading this book, but I sure am thankful that each time I read it, Heavenly Father seems to pour new information into my heart and soul.

Oh...I love this book, with all my heart. And what a joy to read this quote as I start my journey in this book today once again...

"...The evidence for its truth, for its validity in a world that is prone to demand evidence, lies not in archaeology or anthropology, though these may be helpful to some. It lies not in word research or historical analysis, though these may be confirmatory. The evidence for its truth and validity lies within the covers of the book itself. The test of its truth lies in reading it. It is a book of God. Reasonable men may sincerely question its origin; but those who have read it prayerfully have come to know by a power beyond their natural senses that it is true".

President Hinckley
"The Cornerstone of our Faith" Ensign Nov 1984, p. 50.

Can't wait to gain a stronger testimony this year of its truthfulness.

And they would not depart from it

3 Nephi 6

I've been thinking a LOT about this little precious person in my life...

 Wang Pei Yu.
Here she is at her baptism. She invited all her non-member friends.

Love, love, love her. Yep, yep, yep I do....to PIECES.

She is an amazing person that I met and taught while serving a mission in Taiwan. She was hesitant to join the church. Until she really knew of its truthfulness. Then there was no turning back. I won't forget the day she said "Yes" to baptism. It was the most spiritual experience I've ever had. The most powerful direct answer to prayer that I've ever witnessed.

I keep in touch with Pei Yu (she also goes by Catherine). She is now married and is expecting her first child. Married in the temple, that is. To an amazing man.

And I wonder what life would have been like for her without this gospel.
And I realize how poignant her joining the church was.
And I feel ever grateful to have been a witness to her conversion miracle.

This verse sums up how Pei Yu is...and continues to be.

"...and (she was) converted unto the true faith; and (she) would not depart from it, for (she was) firm, and steadfast, and immovable, willing with all diligence to keep the commandments of the Lord".
-3 Nephi 6: 14

She makes me ever grateful for the simple phrase..."not departing from it".
Does she even know how much SHE is teaching me now as I struggle to remain faithful and strive to keep my covenants? Does she even realize how much she has blessed my life?

Love her.

Steadfast

This past Sunday my friend Keri gave the Relief Society lesson on Faith, and how faith is intimately connected to character.

I can't stop thinking about what that means to me.

Throughout her whole lesson I kept thinking about that phrase that goes something like, "Character is what shows through when no one else is watching".

Like...what happens to my goals when I'm not trying to do them for other people...do I still work just as hard...do I still give 100%? And when coupled with my faith...do I live righteous and believe when I'm not trying to prepare a talk, or lesson, or prepare or share something else? Am I showing true character of faith just in my daily living...on my own?

This chapter had a verse that totally related to this. Vs. 8.

"But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain".

I've been thinking about that word. Steadfastly. And what that means to me and how it relates to faith and character.

Steadfast: Constant; true; resolute; loyal; faithful; staunch; firmly fixed in place; not subject to change; firm in belief, adherence, & determination.

I want to be 'firmly fixed in place, firm in belief, adherence, & determination' in my faith. I want to make changes in my life so that I live more day to day with true character that is 'not subject to change'.

I'm so grateful for this tidbit that I learned today by reading the scriptures and likening them to myself.

Change

President James E. Faust
The Power to Change
(President Faust prepared this article in the months before his passing on August 10, 2007)


I couldn't get enough of this article.
Lately I've been addicted to President Faust.
He is my most favorite apostle of all time.

I loved his tenderness.
His shaky emotional voice.
His sweet words that always comforted me so.

I miss him so much.

This talk meant a lot to me because I am going through a true refiner's fire right now.
Trying to be better.
Trying to live better.
Trying to feel better.

It's totally what I needed.

Here are some highlights of his talk...parts that caught my heart's attention the most:

"We can decide to do better and to be better".

"We are in this life for the spirit to gain control over the body rather than the other way around".

"We begin by making a decision to change".

"We must desire with all our hearts, minds, and strength to overcome (these) harmful addictions".

"Each new day that dawns can be a new day for us to begin to change. We can change our environment. We can change our lives by substituting new habits for old. We can mold our character and future by purer thoughts and nobler actions. As someone once put it, “The possibility of change is always there, with its hidden promise of peace, happiness, and a better way of life".

Notwithstanding, and nevertheless

Helaman 16

"And angles did appear unto men...Nevertheless, the people began to harden their hearts..." (v. 14-15)

"And notwithstanding the signs and the wonders...Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people..." (v. 23).

I've been thinking a lot about why this happens.
Not just in general-in the scriptures, but specific to M.E.

I've been reading through some of my journals from the past and reminiscing in the spiritual experiences that I have had...and just so amazed. Amazed that even though I have had great testimony building experiences,...that I still struggle and doubt and wonder.

And wonder if He still trusts me with spiritual experiences.

And I'm reminded to prove to Him that He can.

Leadeth them to faith

Helaman 15

"...the holy scriptures, yea, the prophecies of the holy prophets...leadeth them to faith on the Lord..." (v. 7).

I can't help but think right now how important it is for me to have faith in God.

Faith in His plan for my future.
Knowing the way He has it all planned out is most important.

I'm so grateful for a certain phrase in my patriarchal blessing...
It reads, "...give a listening ear to those who preside in authority over you...particularily his prophet..."
And then, "I bless you with the gift of understanding...".

I feel blessed in my life to have a testimony of the scriptures.
To know they guide my life if I pay heed to them.
To trust the counsel I receive from them.
And that I understand them and can apply them.

Just so thankful!

Be still

Helaman 14

"...for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given you a knowledge and he hath made you free. He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil..."

(v. 30-31)

Immediately the words of the apostle Elder Richard L. Evans came to my mind (quoted by Elder D. Todd Christofferson CR, Apr 2010):
“Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will. You are free to exchange your allotment of time for thrills. You may trade it for base desires. You may invest it in greed. . . .

“Yours is the freedom to choose. But these are no bargains, for in them you find no lasting satisfaction. Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong, enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing".

I've struggled this last week because I have been SO busy. So busy to the point that I'm physically and mentally exhausted...that one night driving home I burst into tears because I was so extremely tired.

I realize I need "home time". Meaning...I just need to be in my home-mostly because I know the Spirit resides there, it's peaceful, it's ME, and it's where I renew and rejuvenate.

I couldn't but help to relate today's Relief Society lesson to my life....she counseled us to find quiet time to just be STILL.

Her reminder of the scripture, "Be still, and know that I am God"...couldn't have hit me harder.

Love him!

Helaman 13

I love Samuel the Lamanite.
I love his willingness to speak when called upon.
I love his boldness.
I love this man.

Favorite quote from a previous bishop that I had written in the margin of this chapter...

"Determine now more than ever that you will live like His Son. This is the best way ever to come close to Him and do His will".

Just talked with some friends about listening and 'doing' when called upon by the Spirit.
How important those 'burnings in your bosom' are.
I want to be like Samuel.

He is the perfect example of this quote.
Followed His will.
Amazing man.

And thus we see

Helaman 12

Can't stop thinking about this phrase, "...And thus we see...".

Why do people have to change so fast-why is there such a cycle of righteousness, wickedness, righteousness, wickedness....

I wish things would last longer.
I feel that happens not just in society, but I see it in my own life. How quick I am to forget Him and all that He is in my life...the role that He plays, the help that He gives to me...how quick I am to forget. And how often I realize that I cannot live without Him...daily.

"And thus we see" that Karen cannot live without God in her life.
"And thus we see" that when we sin, we are unhappy.
"And thus we see" that the Holy Ghost guides and protects those that put trust in Him.
"And thus we see" how important it is to stay righteous.

There's so many of these in my life....too many to name.
So grateful to have reflected on this tonight...

And I KNOW that thou wilt...

Helaman 11

Why is it so hard to just trust and believe that God will do what He says He will?
Is it my 'impatience' for His timing that makes me doubt?
Do I not really believe He will do what He says?
Somewhere along the road did something happen that made me not trust Him anymore?

I think my most favorite thing about the scriptures is that we can rely upon others' experiences to help us to believe in Him.

Here in this chapter, Nephi is asking the Lord to do all these things...
"...let there be a famine in the land..."
"...turn away thine anger..."
"...hearken unto me..."
"...send rain upon the face of the earth..."

...and then he says, "...AND I KNOW THAT THOU WILT...".

That keeps playing over and over in my head.
Do I know that He "wilt"?
I think I have too many doubts.
I need to pray that I can trust Him.
I need to believe that He will do what He says He will do.
Send blessing He promised He would send.

I think this is one reason why people fall away so fast. They stop believing that He has the power to do everything...that he is all-knowing, all-powerful...they start to doubt that power. And stop believing in it.

And then they think they can do it all on their own.
At least, that's why I fall sometimes...

Trust

Helaman 10

After I finished reading this chapter, all I could think about was trust.
God trusted Nephi.

Several times here the Lord tells Nephi that whatever he asks of God, it shall be done.
"If ye shall say.....it shall be done".

Does He trust me?
Does He trust me with a little family?
I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this blessing to come to pass in my life

...and after reading this, all I could think about was...

Does He trust me, really? And if I'm not sure...what can I be doing now to gain His trust so that blessing can come into my life?

Reduce the rush

Of Things That Matter Most
President Uchtdorf
April, 2010 CR

Out of all of the conference talks, this one stood out the most.
I think I took a whole page of notes on this one.
Love, love, love, President Uchtdorf.
He's my most favorite...
Next to Pres. Faust.

I've been watching this new TV series called, "What's Eating You".
Saddest show, ever.

It's about people with food disorders. I really can relate to them in a way, and, even though I don't binge & purge together...I think I do binge. And I am always thinking about food, always dieting, always down on myself about my weight, always putting myself down about my image...so I totally relate to these people.

So that's why this quote stood out to me...

"Some people can't get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better".

I had the most amazing summer...because I got to know myself. I put myself outside...enjoying the season...being with family, spending time with friends, and did things that I loved. And I was so happy.

Things have changed...I've been WAY hard on myself, and have overwhelmed myself with work. I've put on weight, I'm discouraged all day, and feel hopeless some days.

This little reminder from Pres. Uchtdorf was so needed.

In tune

Helaman 9

When I started taking medication for depression, I felt like the life got sucked out of me. I couldn't concentrate anymore, I was always agitated, couldn't focus in church meetings, didn't want to sit down to read my scriptures because I wouldn't be able to focus on them. I felt completely out of tune.

And then, I went off the meds.
Slowly I started to "feel" again.
Soon I started noticing things.
I felt like I was coming out of a deep, dark, hole.

That experience really made me think about revelation.
Revelation the prophets receive, revelation I receive.

My experience with medication took me totally away from reality.
I stopped hearing the still small voice. I stopped trying.
Pretty soon I stopped everything altogether. And felt the Spirit leave as well.

I just want to say how grateful I am that Heavenly Father helps us get back "in tune".
Listening in church is so much easier, reading the scriptures is so much better.

Here in this chapter, Nephi's words converted people. People who were in prison were even converted . Just makes me grateful that even the hardest of hearts can change...

...even the rustiest of rustiests can be reconverted and put back in tune with God to receive personal revelation.

So grateful for that.

Havoc

Helaman 8

Wow. Same sort of phrase popped out to me.
Must be that Heavenly Father really wants me to hear and ponder this!

"...the evil one...seeketh to destroy the souls of men". (v. 28).

I really feel like everything negative is being thrown my way.
To discourage me.
To distract me.

Work is hard.
It is overtaking my life, which then makes me forget about ME.
Because of that, I feel yucky about my self image, my health is suffering, and I just feel downhearted.

I know that the "evil one" is seriously working havoc on my soul right now. Because I was told in a blessing that a 'major life change is just around the corner'...now, granted, that blessing was given about 2 years ago.

I keep asking God, "How big is that corner?" ;)

It seems like there is always huge trials before something good happens, and I recognize that as the "evil one" trying to thwart God's plan for me and my future.

So glad we have prayer to turn to...

Hurl away our souls

Helaman 7

This phrase really caught my attention tonight...

"Yea, how could you have given way to the enticing of him who is seeking to hurl away your souls down to everlasting misery and endless wo?" (v.16)
I think I read it over like 10 times. I don't even have it highlighted, which is weird...everything around it is, but this single verse had not been touched. Why it never caught my attention before, I'm not sure.

It's so true...all Satan wants to do is to hurl away our souls to endless misery.
I've done a lot of thinking on this...and just puzzled at why I let myself follow him sometimes.
When I know where his path leads...why do I let myself go there?
Why do I not "shake at the appearance of sin" (2 Ne 4:31)

I really want to rely on God.
Trust Him.
Follow Him.

I just want to do better....