Ravenous Wolf

I've really been struggling with some things this weekend. Sometimes I despise weekends because loneliness creeps in, and other times I love being alone and having some me time. This weekend was not one of the good ones.

It was just hard.

This guy in church bore his testimony yesterday and said something that really spoke to me. It hit hard. He said how he has always been perceived by others as this happy, careless, optimistic person. He said he was happy, don't get him wrong, but he said, "You know, even people like me go through tough things". He said he woke up one morning just really depressed, lonely, and so sad he didn't feel like he could get up. He immediately got on his knees and prayed to God, asking Him if He really really loved him. He pleaded for an answer. He said as he was getting ready a while later for work, the most peaceful, serene feeling came over him and he knew that God really, truly, loved him.

I teared up...and I don't even know him well. Because it's exactly how I feel right now.

I read this phrase today and it spoke home to me... Alma 5:60

"And now I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold, and ye are his sheep; and he commandeth you that ye suffer no ravenous wolf to enter among you, that ye may not be destroyed"

Satan is a ravenous wolf to me. He tries so hard to get me to be discouraged and to feel unimportant to God and to others, to the point that it literally destroys me. It's been one of the worst weekends of my life, because of him...

I want God to 'bring me into his fold'. I want to feel that serene feeling my friend felt.

Submission

This evening before I did my study, I wrote down answers I am searching for...or desires I have that I hope and pray He will grant.

Interesting what I read.

One of the things I wrote down was that I want to press on...and that even though I have not met someone yet to marry, that I just need to be happy being ME. A single me. And love it, despite my wishes/desires. I need to enjoy the things I do every day and know that who I am and what I am doing is important.

This phrase caught my attention...and I think relates so well...

"...and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord" (Mosiah 24:15).
That's exactly what I needed to hear. I need to submit to His will...and be cheerful about it and have patience...because He sees the bigger picture in my life, and knows just when and where and how it needs to all happen for me.

My sould did rest

Because Enos had such great faith, he truly believed God would do what He said He would do.

"Wherefore, my soul did rest", he said (1:17).

I've felt that way before.

I have experienced that restful feeling where I've felt satisfied and comforted by an answer I received. For example, any time I go to the scriptures, whatever I am reading makes me rest--I don't doubt that what I read isn't true, and so I take it as directly coming from God. I have this complete trust. And my soul rests, like Enos's soul.

Near the end of the chapter Enos also has this restful feeling in his soul knowing for a surety his standing with God. He says, about dying and meeting his Master, "...then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father" (1:27).

Oh to have that rest in my soul. I need to know my standing with Him...I need to live more righteous.

In His own due time

I've often wondered what "His due time" meant, for me.

And it's often been associated with, "I need this, BUT I will taken whatever I get according to thy will", or "I want this to happen now, BUT I will do it according to thy will" (with a not-so-willing-to-wait-attitude). Sometimes that has rocked my faith a little, because, if it does not happen, and I am praying for it to happen, I often lose faith that it WILL someday happen.

And of course, I am speaking primarily about finding someone to marry.

Well today as I read in Enos, it just struck me how diligent Enos was. He hungers and searches for peace--all the day and night (1:4), he prays more earnestly and his faith is UNSHAKEN in the Lord (1:11). And because of his great faith, God promises that He WILL grant his wishes and desires, but that it would be in "His own due time".

So even back then, people had to wait.

Just like me.

My quest

I've been missing something lately. And I feel it so strong.

A while ago, I was meeting with a good friend, teacher, and therapist. She said, concerning 'motherly love' that sometimes people long for this and wish for it and want it in their lives, "God is the only other person that can actually give this type of love".

I've been feeling this empty hole in my life lately. It seems like ever since I went through surgery and lost the strength of both knees, I haven't prayed, and therefore, haven't studied the scriptures. The first thing I read today was in Enos. The phrase, "And my soul hungered", (v. 4) caught my attention. It's exactly what I feel. It's not a physical hunger, but a deep hunger of the soul. A hunger that can only be cured by GOD. And I know that.

And so, this is my quest...for November and December of this month..and to record my experiences in this blog daily. To work on this hunger...and to have this hunger filled by God...for He is the only one that can give me that motherly type of love that is so filling and so good.

Unshaken

"And after I, Enos, had heard these words, my faith began to be unshaken in the Lord; and I prayed unto him with many long strugglings..." (Enos 1:11)

"And it came to pass that AFTER I had prayed and labored with ALL DILIGENCE, the Lord said unto me: I will grant unto thee according to my desires, because of thy faith". (v. 12)

I've been thinking a lot about faith. One, because I'm 33 and still single. And I know I need to have more faith in Him...trusting in His timeline...believing in His promises to me. It's just hard.

Always.

But after reading this and pondering it for a bit...I realize, it's time to seriously dig into prayer. To find out what helps me communicate with Him better. And to pray with ALL DILIGENCE. That's what I need to do.

Thank you, Ether.

And not mine

Jacob 7:14

"...And thy will, O Lord, be done, and not mine".

I've been thinking a LOT about my will vs. God's will. It's a tough road, at times, being single...feeling like I've been forgotten, and feeling like there is no one out there for me, ever. I at times want to RUSH things into happening...I want to find someone NOW and I want my future NOW.

I need to really remember that God's will is the most important thing in this little equation of mine, and I need to trust that if His will is "NOT YET", then that is right for me, and should be my will.